22 April 2014

Did Wilkie Collins come back from the dead to write spam?



Tell me that this lightly edited spam email I got today does not sound like Wilkie Collins could have written it. Imagine this being written with a quill, folded up, sealed with wax, and dispatched by messenger.

Dear Friend,

Greetings in the name of God, Please let this not sound strange to you for my only surviving lawyer who would have done this died early this year. I prayed and got your email ID from your country's guest book which I have been with my late husband and liked to visit once more if God will in his infinite mercies.

I am Mrs Glory Douglas from London. I am 58 years old. I am suffering from a long time cancer of the lungs which also affected my brain, from all indications my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that, according to my doctors they have advised me that I may not live for the next two months, this is because the cancer has gotten to a very bad stage.

I was brought up from a motherless babies home was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child. My husband died in a fatal motor accident. Before his death we were true Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry. I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of (10 million dollars) with a First Inland Bank.

Presently this money is still with them. The management wrote me, as the true owner, to come forward to receive the money or issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I cannot come over because of my illness or they get it confiscated.

Presently, I'm with my laptop in a hospital in Switzerland where I have been undergoing treatment for cancer of the lungs. My doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live. It is my last wish to see that this money is invested to any organization of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, the poor and the motherless babies home.

I want you as God fearing person, to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows, I took this decision, before I rest in peace because my time will soon be up.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the First Inland Bank. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of my fund.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. You are requested to send to me the following information to enable me use it to write a Letter of Authorization on your behalf to the bank so that they will release the money to you as my new next of kin.


Hoping to hear from you soon.

Waiting for your reply

Thanks And God Bless

Mrs. Glory Douglas

9 comments:

  1. I believe this is a sign that unemployed Thomas should begin writing a novel. It will be a Barbara Pym meets Wilkie Collins mystery featuring Mrs. Glory Douglas, motherless babies, and an American visiting a bank.

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    1. That's not a bad idea. Now I just need a plot.

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  2. Well, I guess it is an improvement over Nigerian princes. It does sound very Victorian. I like the line "before his death we were true Christians" meaning she is now what, a lapsed Christian, agnostic, Wiccan?

    So what are you going to do with your millions, Thomas?

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    1. I would love to meet the person who wrote it. I wonder if they speak as they write?

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  3. Thomas, rather than introductions to Nigerian ex-Christian spammers, delightful though they be, I need an update on Lucy's Forever Home. Or is there no progress to report?

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    1. The progress is not very visual right now. Lots of wiring and ducting and stuff that not only makes boring pictures but it also gives me a bit of a tummy ache. Hopefully the garage will be out of the ground soon. That will give us something to look at.

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  4. It just needs a young gentleman trying to respect the wishes of the old lady and an evil man appearing out of nowhere pretending to be the sole heir of the lady, how exciting! Now I'm craving a good Wilkie Collins' novel... I had completely forgotten they were just as entrancing as this spam.

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    1. It puts me in a Collins mood as well. It still amazes me how much this letter sounds like him.

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  5. That's the best spam money scam request I've ever read (and I just had a lot of fun writing "spam money spam request.") I have Wilkie Collins' "No Name" on the TBR shelf, I think it will be my next Big Fat Victorian Novel. Thanks for the inspiration.

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